The Journey of Having Borderline Personality Disorder

There are places inside my mind where I decide not to visit anymore. Every time I think about a memory, I involuntarily recreate it and the feelings. I recreate the pain. It’s like I’m swimming in an ocean of thoughts. I’m just constantly swimming and if I stop and get lost in what it was or could have been, I simply drown. Sadly, that is an ongoing experience for me. I keep drowning and drowning and drowning. I wish that one day, I could stop swimming. So that I could float instead of drowning and let the ocean currents guide me into the peaceful shores.

“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that causes unstable moods, behaviour, and relationships. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood. Most people who have BPD suffer from: Problems regulating their emotions and thoughts. Impulsive and sometimes reckless behaviour.”

You’re not born with BPD but you can develop it. When I was young, I was sexually, verbally, and physically abused. I was too scared to tell my parents so I ended up keeping everything a secret. Ever since then, I’ve always felt lost and empty. I think that’s when I started to develop BPD. If I could go back and tell ‘little me’ to get help, I would.

Afterwards, I became really sensitive. Nightmares, heartaches, distress, isolation and all those things. It never seemed to stop. My self-worth just plummeted. Flushed down the drain. I no longer saw myself as that strong individual that everyone can depend on. That beautiful individual that had this shine of confidence. No more sincere smiles. No more cheery greetings. No more bubbly aura. No more anything. Emptiness seemed to be the only thing that has filled me. And when I’ve had enough, I blew up. But I didn’t direct my anger towards anyone but myself. I started cutting my wrists when I was in sixth grade because I didn’t know how else to cope with my emotions. I was so used to bottling everything up that I often ended up feeling alone, abandoned and unwanted. It was so hard because everyone thought I was fine. Little did they know, I’ve always worn a mask to hide the monster that I am.

It wasn’t till’ I was in my final year of high school that I sought for help. Everyday was a nightmare. My emotions would turn on and off. I’m fine one second then I would explode the next. This part is kind of hard to explain.

Let me tell you an experience of mine as an example. It was Monday morning and I had to go to school. So I did my normal routine. Wake up, shower, get dressed and eat. Now, I’ve always been known as the ‘turtle’ in my family. By the time I got to the table, everyone was rushing me and stressing me out. It was complete chaos. I felt mentally fine until my father blurted out, “You will never make it in life if you keep this up.” I was hurt. The second he said that, hate and anger was the only feeling I felt whenever I looked at him. Why? Because I kept thinking of what I’ve been through. The rape, the abuse and all those feelings I’ve bottled up. I’ve been through all of that trauma only to be told this? Memories would fog my mind and would just bring out all these emotions. And I have no idea how to regulate it. How to maintain it. I was overwhelmed and lashed out. I was so angry and I hated my father. But he calmed me down. I don’t know how he did it but he calmed me down. He explained what he meant by that. He told me that if I continue to be disorganised and unprepared, life will only be harder for me. And then I felt love towards him again. It’s a black and white thought process. It’s either I love you or I hate you which is why relationships are so hard for me to maintain.

I ended up confessing to my parents about what has happened to me when I was a child. They took me to a therapist and I started to feel better. She gave me exercises and showed me how to regulate my emotions which is what I needed. However, I stopped going when I graduated high school. It was too expensive and my family could no longer afford it.

How my mind works is something nobody could never understand. Each person is different and have different thought processes. Yes, this disorder is very frustrating. Ask anyone who is suffering from it. It’s horrible. Not only does it hurt you but the ones you love as well. But it can be fixed with time and effort. I’m doing well now, although sometimes I struggle with it. But at least I feel better and know I’m not worthless. So if you are suffering from BPD or know someone that does, go get help and never give up! It’s hard but you’ll get there.

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